May 17 update.
Damn, my last post was kind of intense. But I guess it's how I felt at the time. My emotions often come on pretty fast and hard these days, and I'm not always interested in keeping them contained. I stand by what I said, although I've seen more cards since that have designs that are more interesting.
I'm doing pretty good the past few days. I was struggling with whether or not to go to my grandmother's memorial service, because I was terrified it was going to be an unpleasant and unnecessary experience. Instead, it was actually helpful. I was able to open up to my uncle about where I've been, resolve beef with my other uncle, give a decent eulogy, and most importantly catch up with a few cousins I care about.
I am glad I did a lot of personal journaling about my family before that. I think I would have either frozen up or said something that maybe wasn't appropriate for the audience.
I got an informal "diagnosis" of CPTSD from my counselor. It would line up with a lot of the things I'm experiencing and how they're affecting me. It's not really great... but I guess it's a framework for thinking about things I struggle with. So my goal is to start working on that.
I got pretty tired all of a sudden. I'm back on my anti-depressants in the hope that it'll also help with pain issues I've been having, which are likely related to muscle tension related to stress.